I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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