My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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