I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
That reminds me...we need to get swords
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
