we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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