I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
