please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
