Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
