a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
