9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
