she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
