we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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