and you said cock pushups were impossible
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
