life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
