He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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