I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
