U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
