I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
