ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
