you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
