A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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