i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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