worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
