I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
