I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
