when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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