Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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