i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
