walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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