there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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