tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I am spending my child support on dildos
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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