sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
