i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize