Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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