Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
