I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
