Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
