Betty ford says i'm here all night
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
