i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
