So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize