There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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