I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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