he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you had me at cake vodka
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
