wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Who died my cat blue again?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
