I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize