Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize