he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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