I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
