That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
