I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
