she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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