can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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