This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
