yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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