I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
