i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
