Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
