I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
