apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
