your thong is hanging out like whoa
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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