The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
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