There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
